Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.