I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
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100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
lmfao come on
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.