I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no