ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.