I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.