馃幎馃幎馃幍馃幍
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they鈥檙e only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
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My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don鈥檛 get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn鈥檛 know anyone so we couldn鈥檛 join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don鈥檛 wanna get up
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can鈥檛 be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i鈥檓 dying
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?