HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
a badder mouse
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.