I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
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I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault