Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
when you are just born a rebel
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?