Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
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There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Should I call tech support or pray or what
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬