Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
You Might Also Like
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
catch me on valentine’s day like
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.