[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
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Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
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they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Have kids, they said
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Autocorrect is my menesis
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow