Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
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Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.