*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Pretty certain I can more drunk
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them