Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
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neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
just make the entire table out of coaster
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
It be like that sometimes 😆
an octopus is just a wet spider
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*