Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.