Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk