There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
You Might Also Like
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.