“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.