If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.