I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on