boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Life cycle of cat
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.