ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”