Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Twitter fine art
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!