Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”