I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I got soap in my shower beer again.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.