Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
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cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …