I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
You Might Also Like
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”