If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
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Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.