PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
You Might Also Like
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.