According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
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Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”