Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths