My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
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I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?