the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
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Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.