Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
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ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
#dalle2
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient