inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
You Might Also Like
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Very problematic
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
just having fun
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
tinder is all about the long game
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.