Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
when you order from DoorDastardly
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
*jazz hands*
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he