ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Well, shit
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe