I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
The dark side of Canada
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right