I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts