Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
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3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
so i’m at the stock market right
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Just say no
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?