I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
whenever i wake up before my alarm