One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
not seeing the problem
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now