Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
opening twitter today
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”