Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
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If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now