My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My therapist after every session
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.