ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I feel attacked.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.