It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
You Might Also Like
Ron is short for Aaronald
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Classic German Shepherd 😂
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.