MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
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surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…