Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
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do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?